Going to the cinema to watch new, exciting and unique films is almost dead and buried. One of the greatest experiences on this earth is to sit in a dark room full of strangers and stare at that 50 feet work of art moving in front of us.
Going to the movie’s is such an incredible experience that’s just becoming ruined. Most people just go to see the biggest, usually loudest film that’s out with whatever kinda comedy or action whatever. It’s rare that a true cinematic masterpiece comes out but even besides that the amount of assholes that insist and persist in their quest to ruin the cinema for everyone else. Being a film fan these days you have to almost pick your screenings so selectively so you can avoid the plagues who don’t seem satisfied until they get their loud and dumb fuck of a conversation out to the open. Indoor voices and whispers are merely obstacles to these kretins in their pursuit of happiness that happens to fuck my happiness right up.
I don’t want to see your social media when I’m in the cinema.
I don’t want to see you check your phone every time you think you have a notification or want to check the time. You have no notifications okay now enchance your calm and watch the movie.
Tell the outside world to fuck right off for a few hours and actually engage in the story you narcasist.
Hand on my heart I swear this happened and not just on the one occasion unfortunately but people taking selfies with the flash on in the middle of a film are absolute pond scum and surely any day now natural selection is goanna catch up to these subhumans. They should have to pass a test before entering. Don’t worry it just sounds like I’m pissed off because this really does piss me off. I mean at it’s core at the most basic of basic levels you’re failing to be a regular person. Honestly the obsession with checking phones and with proposterously high level of light it’s masterbatory behaviour at this point right?
I’m sure it seems like a manifesto at this stage or a rant or sorts but I mean goddamn it.
If you feel the need to shout in the middle of a movie to tell your bud something then please, please, please for the love of all that’s good in the world make that shit interesting at least. If you insist on taking us out of the film we’re watching you gotta at least match whatever levels of energy, intensity, comedy or drama on the screen. You better be confessing to a murder, discovering a doppelganger in the seat next to you, tell us about you’re alien abduction fuckin anything beats hearing the mundane dribble that you have to get out and blurt out before your little head explodes.
Oh you got a Snapchat and want to open it up and giggle at it mid movie. You can actually fuck off dude I’m trying to get into the mindset of this crazy stuntman in a Tarantino film. Oh you have to check your phone for the fifth time for absolutely no reason too bad I want to see how Dick Cheney comes across here in Vice.
Why do so many people have to check their phones every few minutes and ruin the movie. If you’re so busy and need to update shit all the time don’t go to the cinema just wait for it to come to Netflix or rent that shit online. Ruin your own time not everyone else’s. From all of us really we’d appreciate it.
People talking about the movie as it happens can be annoying I admit, I’ve done it myself and happens most screenings but it’s fine we nearly all do this one. It’s the people who have regular conversations at full volume just seemingly unaware of their surroundings and situation they’ve found and paid for themselves to be in. Karen we don’t care about what you need to get for the new house. Jack nobody gives a fuck about what you did last night in town man.
Me and Dom went to see Captain Marvel last year. Okay the movie was meh start to finish but still that’s beside the point. A group of six 16 or 17 year olds sat behind us. They rocked up after us and they were loud, annoying, on their phones and stunk of the worst kinda teen spirit. The spirit to absolutely wreck our heads. These guys were on their phones and laughing so loud during the ads and before the film started. I figure eh they’ll chill out when the film starts and was I wrong, that’s what I get for assuming the best. Benefit of the doubt didn’t pay off here to say the least. So we’re 20 minutes in and no sign of getting any better. Dom gives a shush a big ol ssshhhhhhhhh so we get about 7 minutes silence after this. When they start kicking the back of our chairs now as they laugh I decide I gotta involve myself here so I turn around and give em a good ssshhhhhhhhh we’re trying to watch the film. This gets us significantly less quiet time before they begin to kick our chairs again. Me and Dom locked eyes seemingly simultaneously, give each other the nod and we start to rock and slam our chairs as they kick our chairs. This, this actually got results finally with about half an hour to go. Not sure what the meaning of this is maybe move seats, ask the manager to remove them or engage these assholes in their own game that being said we thought we’d chance it cause the film was shit and we had nothing to lose here.
My solution to this is just do nothing. You literally just have to sit there and look straight ahead. Have the conversation afterwards it’s the best part, discussing and arguing about the film you’ve just seen.
Cinema is one of the only types of art that we go to a place to watch something that was previously recorded and edited. Everything else we go see with strangers are concerts that are different each time and that’s great. Cinema is one of the best forms of escapism where you can learn so much about the world and even yourself. Depending on the movie of course you’ll probably learn little to nothing about yourself watching Fast and furious but still it’s entirely possible. Cinema should be an escape from the world for a while not just a sitting room where you throw on a movie and chat amongst yourselves.
Rant or I don’t know whatever this was is over. If you continue to be the worst in the cinema then I hope I can avoid your plagueish ways. If you enjoy watching a movie and getting wrapped up in the story, characters and the world they exist in then your a goddamn gem and I wish you nothing but the best in your viewing experiences.